"Much too much emotion"

Sometimes, though I have a gazillion things I should be doing and deadlines pressing hard against me, I just can't focus. My mind feels like a nasty, annoying gnat buzzing around my face when the air is thick and hot.

Like today.

I can't focus because my mind is in one hundred places that don't include my work. This morning a lady ran a red light and hit Keith's car. This morning, of all mornings, when he was headed to a case with brand new instruments and he was nervous about it. But all involved were fine and he was even able to drive the car to work anyway, despite the need for major repairs.

This morning Henry said he would not dress like he was 100 years old on the 100th day of school, and that was completely fine, of course, but then the sight of his friends wearing different clothes, gray hair, glasses, and fake wrinkles was just too much.

Later I got the emails - He's smiling now, don't worry, he's ok. Then another email - He lost a tooth - no, like, seriously lost it - but he's ok with it!

Later I went to Bible study and was greeted warmly by women who love and care. Women who genuinely miss me when I'm not there. I can't begin to understand why, but I love them so much in return.

I felt the tears come as we read Psalms. Tears of overwhelming and complex emotion.

And in the midst of all that, there is this hurt. Hurt that continues to come, over and over again, from people who don't even know they do it.  I'm so confused as to how to handle it. Today I feel like I don't even know what it means to "give it to God."

Then I remembered: Lament is necessary. Writing, for me, is a necessary part of lamenting. Even as I type, I feel my stomach un-knot and shoulders put themselves back where they are supposed to be.

So, I praise you, God, for I know we are all fearfully and wonderfully made. I praise you, God, for reaching down and holding me when I can't stand.  For calming my brain and slowing my heartbeat. For un-clinching my teeth. Thank you for providing. Thank you for knowing my heart and my hurt before I know it. Amen.

Though I am like a wineskin in the smoke,
I do not forget your decrees. Psalm 119:83