Life, death, and God's goodness

Two years ago my mom and dad threw me a wonderful 30th birthday party, and on that same weekend I said good-bye to my Nana. I knew in my heart I would never see her again this side of heaven. So, when she died just a few days later, I felt strangely calm. I shed zero tears. You might say I'm a harsh, cynical person not to cry over my Nana's death (but if you do, you clearly do not know me at all), but really I was just not surprised. When I left Spartanburg after my birthday weekend, I kinda expected I'd be making the trip home again very soon, and this time for her funeral.

So I had to chuckle a little (just on the inside, I'm not that harsh) when Nana's last living sister passed away last week. We had just been home 2 weekends prior for Grady's birthday, so we weren't planning on going again for my birthday. We were planning a quiet weekend in Durham, just the three of us.

Well, that didn't happen. I kinda think Nana and Aunt Peggy planned it. (Just kidding.) I said good-bye in my heart to Peggy when we visited her during Grady's birthday weekend, just as I had said good-bye to Nana two years ago. On Thursday morning when Mom let me know Peggy had passed the night before, I didn't shed any tears in Starbucks. I quietly sent Keith a text and said I thought I should go home, and he said yes, without a doubt, because I would regret it if I didn't. He offered to come too, but we had to be back Saturday evening, and I thought a less-than-24-hours trip was a little much to expect from Henry.

The three of us celebrated my birthday that night with one of our favorite restaurants and a trip to the mall to use my gift from Henry, a gift card to Teavana. It was one of those special nights when nothing particularly fireworks-worthy is going on, but you just feel happy and at peace and like everything on earth is perfect. (Please tell me you know what I mean.) I loved every minute of my pre-birthday evening.

Friday morning when Keith took Henry to speech therapy, I made my way to sweet South Carolina. I had a couple hours to play with my nephews and put some South in my mouth at Wade's before the visitation. We hugged necks that needed hugging. We wiped tears from our eyes. We even laughed. We saw my Nana's last living sibling, Uncle Bodge (whose name is Eugene and nobody knows where "Bodge" came from), who barely remembers us. Next time he may not know me at all.

After the funeral on Saturday we gathered with Peggy's children and grandchildren, spoke words of encouragement to one another (amazingly, almost all of us are going through what I like to call "life junk" right now), ate Wade's (yes, again, how could I know they would serve it on Saturday?), and laughed more. Perrin went to a birthday party.

Then I drove home to my guys and hugged Henry until I couldn't hug him anymore. Word on the street has it that he was walking around the neighborhood with Keith and Dobby just hours before, insisting Mommy was "this way." We missed each other just a little bit.

I guess I'm writing all this today to remind myself that God is good, all the time. And all the time, God is good. There is great, great joy even in the sorrow. People get sick. People hurt. People cry. People die. In the midst of all that messiness, God doesn't leave. If we don't feel him, it's not Him who pulled back a hand. His is always outstretched and longing to help us. I've felt it a lot lately. I've felt Him pick me up and hold me up when I really just wanted to fall. And a couple times, I did fall. The night I threw my shoe, I collapsed in the floor of my closet and prayed, "I'm no good at this. I can't parent a child with autism. I have no idea what I'm doing. What makes you think I can do this, God?"

(I had a Moses moment.)

And you know what? He reminded me that I can because He can.

We can speak even if we stutter, because He is good. (Exodus 4:10)
We can laugh even in the midst of death because He is good.
We can live with sickness, because He is good.
We can parent through difficulty because He is good.
We can navigate hard relationships because He is good.
I can live through the 1% of life that is hard because He is good.

And also?
I have the 99% because He is good.