For London McCabe

Another autistic child was killed by his parent today. His mother.

I have a hard time knowing how to feel about these situations, occurring with an alarming frequency. The outspoken bloggers of autistic children, the ones I admire, seem so sure of their stances, so articulate in their speeches.  I am not.

I feel a deep anguish for this nonverbal 6-year-old boy, not much older than Henry, when I think of what he must have felt in those last moments. I see Henry going over that bridge instead, and I witness shock, fear, and betrayal on his face as he screams. I wonder how a mother could look in her child's face and let go. My heart wrenches, stomach heaves, skin chills, and I quickly jerk my mind onto another picture.

I want to call her a monster, I want to hate her, but I don't. It's not okay, what she did, but in my heart I know there's more to this story than selfishness.

I know this because I have walked that edge of giving up. I have stood with the bottles in hand, ready to end it, and tossed them angrily aside. I have looked longingly at bridges; contemplated how to buy a gun without anyone's knowledge; researched lethal dosages; drafted the letters in my head. I have done so most of my life and never followed through for these reasons:

1. I have hope in Christ.
2. I have a husband, parents, and sister who love me and would be more damaged by that choice than I can probably conceive.
3. I have a son who loves me and needs me. No matter how often I may think of myself as a failure, he needs me. I cannot and will not leave him to grow up and learn that his mother was so distraught, she couldn't see Christ's hope.

I don't pretend to understand why this woman chose to end her son's life. I can't explain why she chose to end his life, while others parents have chosen to end their own lives - or to end both. What I do know, having lived in the hole of depression and despair, is that love and hope were not present - in her mind. A murderer? Yes. But she is also sick. An ill woman did the unthinkable, and she will understandably, justifiably be punished.

Is she evil? I have no idea, but based on her prior blog posts and testimony from relatives, it would seem she is not.

What happened? Why did she snap? I don't know.

Does it matter? I don't know that either.

What I know is that some people see no way out, and we must keep reminding the depressed among us of the truth. The Truth that Christ is always the answer; the Truth that there is a way out; the Truth that every life has meaning and is worth saving.

We must let them know they are never alone.