The last month has not been easy for me, as I have returned to a job I quit loving a long time ago. I'm fighting feelings of frustration and anger, while simultaneously hating myself for my uncharacteristic ingratitude. I'm wondering where I went wrong in my vocation, what I should have done, and what I should do now.
Unfortunately, when the doubts and regrets rise in one area, Satan tends to use that as a springboard and pile them on in other areas too. As a result, I'm dealing with a general feeling of anxiety in nearly every area of my life.
I recently had a welcome respite from that. For the first time I volunteered to partner in sorting and organizing the children's section for the UUMC annual yard sale. I admit part of my reason was to work with two ladies I've always admired. Linda is a missions-minded, selfless, go-getter, who is also a church matriarch (my words there); Mandy is a classy, soft-spoken, brilliant woman about my age. I just couldn't say no.
Despite less than stellar reasons for being there, I LOVED my week at church. Time after time I had the opportunity to either witness a blessing or be a blessing. Our church's mission statement was lived out in tangible, beautiful ways. "Our mission is to transform lives by loving God, serving others and building Christian community."
Putting other people first made the anxiety and frustration melt away, and I was reminded - not for the first time - that being too self-focused doesn't necessarily mean excessive taking of "selfie" pictures or spending time in front of the mirror. Focusing on self can also be too much worry about what to do and where to go and following God's will. Yes, worrying about God's will can also be selfish.
If you're ringing your hands over doing the right thing, you're still seeking something over someONE.
I can't remember if it was Voskamp or Shirer or Feinberg or someone else, but I remember the idea: We should be seeking Him more than we're seeking answers. He should be the goal, the end - not the means.
Today, here I am, once again, angry and sad and bitter. I'm unsure what to do and where to go. So, I'm writing this to remind myself of that awesome week when self was unimportant. When giving was of the utmost importance and I was happiest.
"No one has ever become poor from giving." -Anne Frank
Wow, these words touched my heart....especially the AF quote, the "seeking Him more than answers," and "focusing on self can be too much worry about what to do or where to go."
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your heart and words in this honest post.