Me

"...stop being shocked by my own capacity for terrible thoughts.

Until I stop being shocked, I will continue to gasp and gawk at every foul thought that comes into my mind. I will constantly point to some imaginary version of myself who never has stupid thoughts and then return back to my real self and the incongruence between the two will bring only dizziness, discouragement and hopelessness. My soul simply can’t survive the whiplash."

(Emily P. Freeman)

Emily Freeman has the gift of identifying and naming struggles in my soul that I've carried and battled my whole life.  I thank God for gifting her with means of helping me discover who I am. That shock - the "how can I do that? think that?" - is so familiar to me, yet I never saw it for what it really was until this morning. Soul whiplash. Emily is stinkin' awesome.

It's funny that I can live inside this body for 33 years and still not know all of me, but that's the truth.

This morning I prepared Henry for school, drove Henry to school, exercised at the gym, came home to shower, picked up around the house a bit, and folded clothes. As my hands sorted laundry my mind worked in overdrive too. I finished a pile and left the room, intending to go downstairs, when I suddenly felt the strong urge to sit. I did so and felt, as crazy as it sounds, as if the room was spinning. It wasn't, of course. The spinning was inside of me. Closing my eyes and resting my head against the wall, I realized not for the first time how God knew what he was doing when he changed our hearts to be happy with one child.

Some days I am frenetic. Like this morning, bouncing around from task to task. What sounds simple to others takes a lot out of me. I tire more easily, not necessarily in body but in mind. I require quiet spaces, which is why some days I am the opposite of frenetic - maybe even slothful. My soul needs room to breathe, my mind needs time to sort. This is how God wired me.

Yet, until a couple years ago, I somehow thought this was my future:

It's not, and now I couldn't be more happy about that. As much as I want to say I'm good at juggling many hats and many children, I know I'm not. What I have on my plate now is what I can handle. God knew that.

I'm glad He knows me, even while I'm still figuring me out.