On objectifying

A friend called his sister "short bus special" on facebook. I still hear "retard" and "retarded" on a fairly regular basis.

I'm not necessarily angry at these people, maybe irritated, but I do wonder how intelligent people can use these terms without flinching. What makes us think it's ok to objectify? What make us think it's funny to say someone rides the short bus? When we make a joke like this, we are implying one of two things: disabled people are funny or being disabled is pitiable/less-than.

I don't think most people have these thoughts deliberately. Terrible as their words sound, I don't believe they are conscious of the message they are sending. I know this because I used to be them.

I still cringe when I remember what I said to my wedding director on the night of my rehearsal. She directed me to simply shuffle backwards from the unity candle to our places before the pastor and I replied, "I won't look retarded?" I regretted my words instantly. For the first time, I realized how callous and cruel I was.

But it wasn't until I learned my son was differently-abled that I began to hear the many ways we make fun. And I hate it. Loathe it. Want desperately to change it. Yet, I promised myself I wouldn't be that mom - the one always looking for a fight.  That leaves me in an incredibly awkward position.

Last summer I encountered an acquaintance who did not know my family. As she and our mutual friend discussed an awkward friend of theirs, I softly suggested that perhaps their friend had a social disorder or autism. Her response was ignorant at best and rude at worst, including her observation that their friend "wasn't like Rainman."

My stomach pitched, my eyes became wet, and I bit my tongue. Like, actually bit it.

What am I to say? What I am to do? Later, of course, I could think of diplomatic and kind approaches that wouldn't embarrass my friends or my new acquaintance. In the moment, though, all I could do was pray not to fall apart. I excused myself as soon as I could and practiced some deep breathing.